I once played Helen of Troy in an egregiously bad production of Troillus and Cressida, and the Village Voice's reviewer--who panned the show--singled me out, saying that the simulated blow job I performed in my one, tiny scene was incredibly "realistic." This wasn't just any tacky little pageant, you understand. It was downtown, yes, BUT--it was Shakespeare; I was Helen-of-fucking-Troy, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman was in it, OK? ...